Staying the Course

Challenging myself has never been a problem of mine.  Seeing those challenges through to completion is my stumbling block.  I start out like a ball of fire - ready to take on the world.  Since January 1, 2017, I've been struggling once again to stay the course.  I often wonder what switch has to be flipped to keep me on track.  I get frustrated, knowing that there is an answer but that I just hadn't had the insight to find it.

I've had many successes in my life and probably just as many failures and I spend great amounts of time ruminating on those failures.  I ask myself over and over.  Why?  Why, if this goal is so important to me, haven't I seen it through to the end.

I set goals for this year.  I've logged and tracked and planned.  And then I don't.  And things fall apart and I get angry with myself.  But the good news is, I think maybe, just maybe, I've found that switch.  And maybe, just maybe, I've flipped it.   Let me explain.

At the beginning of the year, I drank the Dave Ramsey kool-aid.  I saved a $1000 emergency fund.  I listed my debts from smallest to largest.  I set a target date for completion.  Every day I looked at that spreadsheet.  I planned.  I tracked.  I obsessed.  And I was successful.  I have one debt left and it's one I took on willingly in January (I purchased a car).  And now I'm single-minded in my goal to pay it off.  I had several other goals that had nothing to do with my finances.  I wrote them down.  I tracked them - and then I didn't.  One day, just a few days ago, I realized what just might be the reason for my failure.

One of the things Dave teaches, is that you have to concentrate on ONE thing.  Save the emergency fund.  Pay off ONE debt, and then move on to the next.  Pay all of your extra money to the lowest existing debt and then just the minimum to the others.  This gives you the 'atta boy' you need as you systematically knock those debts out ONE at a time.  As I looked at my goals the other day, I realized....I'm spreading myself too thin.  I have TOO MANY GOALS!  Gah!  It's so simple.  It was right there all the time!  Yes, there's so much I want to do, but for crying out loud, focus on one.  Just one.  So I looked at my goals for 2017 and I crossed off everything but the two that meant the most to me.  I want to be debt free and I want to reach my goal weight.  Just doing this has made my life so much simpler (which is another goal). 

So maybe, just maybe, this was my switch.  And maybe, just maybe, this time I'll see it through.  With gazelle intensity.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll reach my goal of being debt free and going to Nashville to do my debt free scream as a thin, healthy person who finally figured this all out.  Thank you Dave Ramsey for finally giving me the insight I needed.

As an aside, if you too, are interested in becoming debt free, I highly recommend you start listening daily to the Dave Ramsey podcast.  Go on YouTube and watch people stand in his lobby to tell their stories and do their "Debt Free Screams".  And most importantly, read his book The Total Money Makeover.  The book is the most important because it explains his 'baby steps' so that you understand the concepts being talked about on the podcast.  It's doable.  It's easy.  It's life changing. 

Some Days, I Feel What Atlas Must Have Felt

The weight of the world on my shoulders.  A gnawing sense of doom.  A feeling of hopeless sadness.  I felt that on Monday.  The day just went wrong.  I cried.  I railed.  I felt very, very, alone.  And tired.  Tired of trying.  Tired of fighting.  Tired of being invisible.  Tired of feeling used.  Angry.  So many negative, unproductive feelings.  I didn't have the energy to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  So I sulked.  And cried some more.  And then I went to bed.

I didn't sleep well that night.  Conversations that could have been had ran through my head.  Sniping, angry sentences formed that I longed to say but knew I never would.  I don't like conflict. I avoid it. I get pushed and pushed until I'm past my breaking point and then I know that I have to hold my silence or the angry, bitter words will rush past my lips and land on ears that probably don't care since they are the source of my emotion.

When I woke up the next morning, the sadness followed me.  I bathed in it.  I let it get the best of me.  I unleashed the cause of all of my suffering to my husband and he, in his usual, calm way, told me to address the situation.  The sad thing is, I can't right now.  My filter is worn thin.  I will not use kind words.  I will not be able to keep my voice from reaching it's high, fevered pitch and breathlessness that it gets when I've reached my end.  So he told me to wait.  Wait until the time is right.  Wait until the pain and emotions have passed, and then address it.  And I started to calm down.  I started to breathe again.  I could think through the situation without instant tears and disgust for the way I've been treated.  I decided to heed his advice and wait.

I didn't sleep very well the next night either but I did wake up determined.  Determined not to let this define me.  Determined not to let this cloud another day.  I reminded myself that I did not deserve this - that I deserve better.  I gave myself a much needed Reiki treatment.  I meditated.  I prayed.  I hatched a plan and wrote it down.  And now I have every intention of following it through.

In the end, I've decided to fight.  Not with words.  Not with attitude.  I will fight it the best way I know how - by continuing to be who I am.  To be successful with or without the support of others.  To rise above their lousy behavior, put on my game face, and go forward with grace.  I am strong.  I am a fighter.  And now, after reconnecting with the light in side of me, I am calm.

Happy New Year!

Another year, another post that could look exactly like last years New Year post.  But I won't go there.  Instead, I'll tell you what my plans are for 2017. 

I've drunk the Dave Ramsey kool-aid.  I've done my budget for January.  I've started implementing my plans for total budget domination.  I've instituted a No-Spend-January.  I've done this before, it worked, so I'm doing it again.  I'm hoping for a No-Spend-February and possibly March.  One step at a time.  So my number one goal is to be debt free.  Soon.  Laser focus. 

I've continued to struggle with diet and exercise.  I will continue to work at that in 2017.  Eat less, move more.  Reach my goal weight.

I'd love to reach both goals by the end of the year.  That is my focus.  Free from the weight of my debt and my excess weight in my body.  Both are a drag to my soul and peace of mind. 

In the meantime, I'll continue to plan.  To focus.  To spend time with my loved ones.  To be generous with love. 

Happy New Year!

Living (Part of) The Dream

34 years as an executive admin.  36 years dreaming of being something else.  I've wanted to be in the beauty industry since I was 15.  For years, I dreamed of being a hair stylist.  That changed one day while I lay on an esthetician's table receiving a facial.  So you know how the dream ends.  At 51, I finally take the leap and return to school.  I work full time and go to school at night.  Many nights I'm up until 2:00am doing homework and studying.  At 53 I lose my job and at 53, I start my new career as an esthetician.  God and the universe led me to where I am now.  Living the dream.  To say that I love my job is an understatement.  To say that I finally feel at home with my work is an understatement.  I am happy.  I am in love with my career.  I am satisfied, content and inspired.

So how does this qualify as "part of" the dream?  Because I dream so much more!  I dream of being at my perfect weight.  I dream of travel, of money in the bank, of letting go of anxiety that I'm getting older and not realizing the rest of my dreams.  I dream of triathlons and marathons and hours on the yoga mat.  I dream of clean eating and perfect health.  And I struggle with trying to reach those dreams. 

When I finally realized the dream of starting my new career, I had an epiphany...you're never too old to start again.  You're never too old to change your path.  With that thought, I'll continue my journey.  Always striving, always trying.  Always reaching for those new dreams.

Struggling Through

So, dieting is hard.  It stinks (I can think of other words but they're not printable).  It's boring and frustrating.  No matter what, there is a certain feeling of deprivation when you are eating well but all you want is a banana split.  I have been craving a banana split.  Do you know how often I used to eat them?  Never.  So why am I craving one now.  I blame it on the diet.

That said, March has been hard for other reasons.  Ken and I decided to implement a "No Spend March" policy - another deprivation of sorts.  Except for living expenses (groceries, gas, bills), we'd spend no extraneous funds.  No going out to eat.  No movies or events.  No purchases that would tap the always shaky bank account.  It stinks (again, I'm using the kind word here).  So, what has been the result?  We do have more money in the bank!  Yay!  The bills are paid early.  But there are drawbacks....I am out of vitamin C serum, my beloved Clinique eye stick, face powder, concealer and low on my favorite lipstick .  Woe is me!  I'm an esthetician for crying out loud!  My skin is my livelihood!  I laughingly told Ken last night that "No spend March" is going to turn into "High Spend April" while I try to replenish my dimished supplies.  In the meantime, I'm lying low.  I'm using lipsticks I don't like as well and sporting under eye circles and puffiness (they're the new black).  One more week and I'll look rested again - albeit a fake restfulness created by smoke and mirrors (concealer, powder and face-brightening lip color).

In the end, "No Spend March" is a good thing.  It brings in line your spending mindfulness.  It reminds you to ask yourself if the purchase is a need or a want.  We've done this before and we've survived.  We'll survive again.  I've been better at sticking to my grocery budget because of it.  The bank account has remained stable, the eating has been cleaner, and life is as wonderful as it has always been.  It reminds me that it isn't what we can purchase that brings us happiness but the relationships and the joy of knowing that I have enough.  That home is just where I want it to be.  That I love my life and that no "thing" will bring me joy as much as my loved ones and my day-to-day existence. 

Beginning Again. Again.

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

I am working towards goals for 2016.  I've already stalled.  I promise to begin again.  Again.  One more time.  One more attempt.  In my frustration with my lack of focus, I get angry with myself.  Frustrated.  But I begin again.  Again.  Over and over, the cycle repeats itself. 

I wish I could find the answer to why it never seems to flow.  Why the changes I promise myself I'll make happen and then don't.  Why I lose the focus.

But today I promise myself that I'll begin again.  Again.  I'll continue to try.  And maybe this time it will stick and I'll succeed.  I guess, in the end, that's the best we can do.  To keep trying.  To soldier on.  To set our intentions and take the first step, then the second, in hopes that this time, it will all fall into place and our goals will become our reality.

Making the Tough Decisions

I find myself at somewhat of a crossroads.  I have decisions to make.  They require large commitments.  Some of the decisions would be life changing in a material way - some in a mental, personal way.  I could write pros and cons lists.  I could meditate.  I could pray.  I could follow my heart - or my head.  Either way, I struggle.  I struggle with the long term.  I struggle with the short term.  Some seem easy - like what to eat right now to continue on my health plan or what time to go to the gym (or to go at all).  Some are more difficult - like career choices or commitments to large goals.

Either way, I have to make a decision.  Forge a path.  Move ahead.  And make the choices I have to with no regret (and this is my largest struggle - regret).

I'm going to end this post because I have an action to take.  A large one for me.  A personal goal to fulfill.  2016 will be a year of change.  A year of goals met.  I am determined to make it so.