Staying the Course

Challenging myself has never been a problem of mine.  Seeing those challenges through to completion is my stumbling block.  I start out like a ball of fire - ready to take on the world.  Since January 1, 2017, I've been struggling once again to stay the course.  I often wonder what switch has to be flipped to keep me on track.  I get frustrated, knowing that there is an answer but that I just hadn't had the insight to find it.

I've had many successes in my life and probably just as many failures and I spend great amounts of time ruminating on those failures.  I ask myself over and over.  Why?  Why, if this goal is so important to me, haven't I seen it through to the end.

I set goals for this year.  I've logged and tracked and planned.  And then I don't.  And things fall apart and I get angry with myself.  But the good news is, I think maybe, just maybe, I've found that switch.  And maybe, just maybe, I've flipped it.   Let me explain.

At the beginning of the year, I drank the Dave Ramsey kool-aid.  I saved a $1000 emergency fund.  I listed my debts from smallest to largest.  I set a target date for completion.  Every day I looked at that spreadsheet.  I planned.  I tracked.  I obsessed.  And I was successful.  I have one debt left and it's one I took on willingly in January (I purchased a car).  And now I'm single-minded in my goal to pay it off.  I had several other goals that had nothing to do with my finances.  I wrote them down.  I tracked them - and then I didn't.  One day, just a few days ago, I realized what just might be the reason for my failure.

One of the things Dave teaches, is that you have to concentrate on ONE thing.  Save the emergency fund.  Pay off ONE debt, and then move on to the next.  Pay all of your extra money to the lowest existing debt and then just the minimum to the others.  This gives you the 'atta boy' you need as you systematically knock those debts out ONE at a time.  As I looked at my goals the other day, I realized....I'm spreading myself too thin.  I have TOO MANY GOALS!  Gah!  It's so simple.  It was right there all the time!  Yes, there's so much I want to do, but for crying out loud, focus on one.  Just one.  So I looked at my goals for 2017 and I crossed off everything but the two that meant the most to me.  I want to be debt free and I want to reach my goal weight.  Just doing this has made my life so much simpler (which is another goal). 

So maybe, just maybe, this was my switch.  And maybe, just maybe, this time I'll see it through.  With gazelle intensity.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll reach my goal of being debt free and going to Nashville to do my debt free scream as a thin, healthy person who finally figured this all out.  Thank you Dave Ramsey for finally giving me the insight I needed.

As an aside, if you too, are interested in becoming debt free, I highly recommend you start listening daily to the Dave Ramsey podcast.  Go on YouTube and watch people stand in his lobby to tell their stories and do their "Debt Free Screams".  And most importantly, read his book The Total Money Makeover.  The book is the most important because it explains his 'baby steps' so that you understand the concepts being talked about on the podcast.  It's doable.  It's easy.  It's life changing. 

Some Days, I Feel What Atlas Must Have Felt

The weight of the world on my shoulders.  A gnawing sense of doom.  A feeling of hopeless sadness.  I felt that on Monday.  The day just went wrong.  I cried.  I railed.  I felt very, very, alone.  And tired.  Tired of trying.  Tired of fighting.  Tired of being invisible.  Tired of feeling used.  Angry.  So many negative, unproductive feelings.  I didn't have the energy to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  So I sulked.  And cried some more.  And then I went to bed.

I didn't sleep well that night.  Conversations that could have been had ran through my head.  Sniping, angry sentences formed that I longed to say but knew I never would.  I don't like conflict. I avoid it. I get pushed and pushed until I'm past my breaking point and then I know that I have to hold my silence or the angry, bitter words will rush past my lips and land on ears that probably don't care since they are the source of my emotion.

When I woke up the next morning, the sadness followed me.  I bathed in it.  I let it get the best of me.  I unleashed the cause of all of my suffering to my husband and he, in his usual, calm way, told me to address the situation.  The sad thing is, I can't right now.  My filter is worn thin.  I will not use kind words.  I will not be able to keep my voice from reaching it's high, fevered pitch and breathlessness that it gets when I've reached my end.  So he told me to wait.  Wait until the time is right.  Wait until the pain and emotions have passed, and then address it.  And I started to calm down.  I started to breathe again.  I could think through the situation without instant tears and disgust for the way I've been treated.  I decided to heed his advice and wait.

I didn't sleep very well the next night either but I did wake up determined.  Determined not to let this define me.  Determined not to let this cloud another day.  I reminded myself that I did not deserve this - that I deserve better.  I gave myself a much needed Reiki treatment.  I meditated.  I prayed.  I hatched a plan and wrote it down.  And now I have every intention of following it through.

In the end, I've decided to fight.  Not with words.  Not with attitude.  I will fight it the best way I know how - by continuing to be who I am.  To be successful with or without the support of others.  To rise above their lousy behavior, put on my game face, and go forward with grace.  I am strong.  I am a fighter.  And now, after reconnecting with the light in side of me, I am calm.

Happy New Year!

Another year, another post that could look exactly like last years New Year post.  But I won't go there.  Instead, I'll tell you what my plans are for 2017. 

I've drunk the Dave Ramsey kool-aid.  I've done my budget for January.  I've started implementing my plans for total budget domination.  I've instituted a No-Spend-January.  I've done this before, it worked, so I'm doing it again.  I'm hoping for a No-Spend-February and possibly March.  One step at a time.  So my number one goal is to be debt free.  Soon.  Laser focus. 

I've continued to struggle with diet and exercise.  I will continue to work at that in 2017.  Eat less, move more.  Reach my goal weight.

I'd love to reach both goals by the end of the year.  That is my focus.  Free from the weight of my debt and my excess weight in my body.  Both are a drag to my soul and peace of mind. 

In the meantime, I'll continue to plan.  To focus.  To spend time with my loved ones.  To be generous with love. 

Happy New Year!

Living (Part of) The Dream

34 years as an executive admin.  36 years dreaming of being something else.  I've wanted to be in the beauty industry since I was 15.  For years, I dreamed of being a hair stylist.  That changed one day while I lay on an esthetician's table receiving a facial.  So you know how the dream ends.  At 51, I finally take the leap and return to school.  I work full time and go to school at night.  Many nights I'm up until 2:00am doing homework and studying.  At 53 I lose my job and at 53, I start my new career as an esthetician.  God and the universe led me to where I am now.  Living the dream.  To say that I love my job is an understatement.  To say that I finally feel at home with my work is an understatement.  I am happy.  I am in love with my career.  I am satisfied, content and inspired.

So how does this qualify as "part of" the dream?  Because I dream so much more!  I dream of being at my perfect weight.  I dream of travel, of money in the bank, of letting go of anxiety that I'm getting older and not realizing the rest of my dreams.  I dream of triathlons and marathons and hours on the yoga mat.  I dream of clean eating and perfect health.  And I struggle with trying to reach those dreams. 

When I finally realized the dream of starting my new career, I had an epiphany...you're never too old to start again.  You're never too old to change your path.  With that thought, I'll continue my journey.  Always striving, always trying.  Always reaching for those new dreams.

Struggling Through

So, dieting is hard.  It stinks (I can think of other words but they're not printable).  It's boring and frustrating.  No matter what, there is a certain feeling of deprivation when you are eating well but all you want is a banana split.  I have been craving a banana split.  Do you know how often I used to eat them?  Never.  So why am I craving one now.  I blame it on the diet.

That said, March has been hard for other reasons.  Ken and I decided to implement a "No Spend March" policy - another deprivation of sorts.  Except for living expenses (groceries, gas, bills), we'd spend no extraneous funds.  No going out to eat.  No movies or events.  No purchases that would tap the always shaky bank account.  It stinks (again, I'm using the kind word here).  So, what has been the result?  We do have more money in the bank!  Yay!  The bills are paid early.  But there are drawbacks....I am out of vitamin C serum, my beloved Clinique eye stick, face powder, concealer and low on my favorite lipstick .  Woe is me!  I'm an esthetician for crying out loud!  My skin is my livelihood!  I laughingly told Ken last night that "No spend March" is going to turn into "High Spend April" while I try to replenish my dimished supplies.  In the meantime, I'm lying low.  I'm using lipsticks I don't like as well and sporting under eye circles and puffiness (they're the new black).  One more week and I'll look rested again - albeit a fake restfulness created by smoke and mirrors (concealer, powder and face-brightening lip color).

In the end, "No Spend March" is a good thing.  It brings in line your spending mindfulness.  It reminds you to ask yourself if the purchase is a need or a want.  We've done this before and we've survived.  We'll survive again.  I've been better at sticking to my grocery budget because of it.  The bank account has remained stable, the eating has been cleaner, and life is as wonderful as it has always been.  It reminds me that it isn't what we can purchase that brings us happiness but the relationships and the joy of knowing that I have enough.  That home is just where I want it to be.  That I love my life and that no "thing" will bring me joy as much as my loved ones and my day-to-day existence. 

Beginning Again. Again.

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

I am working towards goals for 2016.  I've already stalled.  I promise to begin again.  Again.  One more time.  One more attempt.  In my frustration with my lack of focus, I get angry with myself.  Frustrated.  But I begin again.  Again.  Over and over, the cycle repeats itself. 

I wish I could find the answer to why it never seems to flow.  Why the changes I promise myself I'll make happen and then don't.  Why I lose the focus.

But today I promise myself that I'll begin again.  Again.  I'll continue to try.  And maybe this time it will stick and I'll succeed.  I guess, in the end, that's the best we can do.  To keep trying.  To soldier on.  To set our intentions and take the first step, then the second, in hopes that this time, it will all fall into place and our goals will become our reality.

Making the Tough Decisions

I find myself at somewhat of a crossroads.  I have decisions to make.  They require large commitments.  Some of the decisions would be life changing in a material way - some in a mental, personal way.  I could write pros and cons lists.  I could meditate.  I could pray.  I could follow my heart - or my head.  Either way, I struggle.  I struggle with the long term.  I struggle with the short term.  Some seem easy - like what to eat right now to continue on my health plan or what time to go to the gym (or to go at all).  Some are more difficult - like career choices or commitments to large goals.

Either way, I have to make a decision.  Forge a path.  Move ahead.  And make the choices I have to with no regret (and this is my largest struggle - regret).

I'm going to end this post because I have an action to take.  A large one for me.  A personal goal to fulfill.  2016 will be a year of change.  A year of goals met.  I am determined to make it so.

2016 - A New Year

Well, well, well.  14 long months since my last blog post.  "Where have you been?" you ask.  Well, I've been doing the same thing I've always done.  Starting a new weight loss plan every so often, working, starting a new exercise regime (every so often), cleaning the house, surfing the net, vegging in front of the television, sleeping, eating.....

In the past year I've lost weight.  I've gained weight.  I camped for 5 days in Vermont.  I redecorated my house.  I've tried new recipes.  I've celebrated holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.  I've thought about writing.  I haven't.  I want to document the things I've done.  I haven't.  Laziness?  Overwhelmed by life?  Maybe a combination of both.  Maybe neither.  I am neither lazy nor overwhelmed but sometimes the thought of sitting down to write does not spur me to take action.  It's been on the back burner, an afterthought.

So here I am.  It's January 7, 2016.  A new year.  New resolutions to do the things I love.  To reach goals.  A new disappointment that another year has gone by and I haven't accomplished the things I logged into a new journal as my aspirations for 2015.  I found that journal today and tossed it.  It's just a reminder of dreams and goals I have put off for another year.  But if nothing else, I am persistent.  I DO have goals.  I DO have dreams.  And I will continue to pursue them.  And when all is said and done, I plan on finishing them, achieving them. 

Happy 2016!  May all of your, and my, dreams come true.

Happy Birthday Rachael!

She is my heart.  For 28 years I have loved her as I love no other.  She is my first child.  She is smart and brave, sweet and strong, loving and giving....and funny.  She is beautiful on the outside but her soul is radiant.  She is everything I hoped my daughter would be and I am so very grateful that she was given to me.

Happy 28th birthday Rachael.  My daughter, my friend, the light of my life.

Love,
Mom

The Ugly Truth

It was not a typical Monday for me.  Usually I wake somewhat early and get things done.  I might surf the net a bit.  Then I'll exercise, tidy the house, and work on dinner for when I get home from work.  I'll get to work at 12:30 and work until 6:00.  Then home to the family for some R&R and dinner.  But not this Monday.  This Monday required that I be at a training class for work at 9:30am.  The class ended at 12:30pm.  From there, I struggled through a back-up in traffic (the result of construction) and arrived at work at 1:15pm.  My schedule was light so I worked on laundry and preparation for a work event that began at 6:00pm and ran until 8:00pm.  The spa I work at has a yearly event for those who have fought breast cancer or are currently waging war on the ugly disease.  We had 25 participants signed up.  The salon had several stations lined up to pamper the ladies - 15 minute facials, 15 minute chair massages, manicures, make-up applications, pink hair extensions and sweet and savory treats - all for their enjoyment.  There was no charge.  It was a gift to them.  Something small to acknowledge their courage.

The ladies began arriving at 5:45 and the event started the promptly at 6:00.  I provided facials to women of all ages and in all stages of their fight.  Some had finished their battle.  Some were losing their hair from the chemo.  Some were in the process of growing their hair back.  Some wore wigs that they took off for the facials.  All were giddy about the services offered and surprisingly, many had never experienced a facial.  We laughed and giggled over their stories and at other times, I choked back tears as they shared their battles. Some were silent and relaxed as I pampered their skin, and hopefully, their soul.  I especially laughed with one when she moaned in pleasure over the "potion" that I'd just applied to her face and I had to laughingly tell her that it was water.  I received hugs from almost all of them when I was finished.  And thank you's.  At the end of the evening, I felt good, renewed, grateful.  I'd met many beautiful women.  Strong women.  Lovely, beautiful souls.

So then, you ask, what is the "ugly truth"?  The truth is, that I got up the next day, grateful for my life and my health.  Energized by the night before.  And what did I do with that realization?  I surfed the net.  I caught up on my very delinquent email and Facebook accounts.  I wrote a blog post about my grandma.  I did not grab life by the horns and go boldly forward.  And I felt guilty about it.  And then I wondered.....

Does every single moment of our life have to be about "something"?  Do we always have to be on point, moving forward, striving for goals?  Or can we just have a moment to sit back and waste time?  Can I catch up on TV shows that I've DVR'd without feeling like I should have done more?  Can rest and mindlessness actually be a part of our day or week or month without ensuing guilt.  In this quest for a better me, do I have the right not to exercise when I have plenty of time to do it?  In the end, will it matter that the housework did not get done?  That the floors are not mopped?  I can do it all tomorrow.  Or the next day.  As long as the work gets done, does there always have to be a timeline?  I don't know.  But it's at the front of my mind today.  And I think it's because I think of those ladies, whose strength and lives were compromised by an ugly disease and the corresponding treatments.  Were they able to just enjoy a day of nothing without guilt for what they could have accomplished?  Did they stare the unknown in the face and decide, that in the end, it was okay to do nothing considered productive in their day?  Or did they feel guilt that with maybe little time left, they hadn't accomplished all they'd set out to do.

I don't want to be busy doing work all of the time or feeling guilt when I'm not doing the work I've imposed on myself.  I want a clean house, a thin body and delicious homemade food on the table - but not at the expense of EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. of my life.  It all works into my need for balance.  For not feeling like I should do more, be more, accomplish more.  When is it enough?  I will continue struggling with this and trying to find the answer.  In the meantime, I'll think I'll go have a glass of Diet Pepsi and watch the episode "Beat Bobby Flay" that is on my DVR.

Have a wonderful, relaxing, balanced day!

Life, Death and Mourning

There are two certainties in life:  new life and death.  Babies are born and we rejoice in them.  Loved ones die and we mourn them.  Many people I know, yearly mourn the deaths of loved ones on the dates of their death.  I, on the other hand, mourn those losses at odd times.  Today I mourn the loss of my grandmother.  I do not remember the exact date of her death.  I remember always that it was the weekend of Thanksgiving.  For the first time in my life, it was not grandma that made Thanksgiving dinner but my aunt who'd always lived with her.  My aunt made all the dishes that grandma was "famous" for.  The turkey (overcooked), the jello salads, the stuffing, potatoes and cabbage salad.  It was at grandma's house and the menu was the same, but she was not there.  I'd gone to see her before dinner at the hospital where she was a patient.  It had been a bad day for her.  She was weak and not feeling well.  I remember crying when I left.  Afraid that she would leave us.  She did leave us a couple of days later.  On a day when she was doing well.  It was the one day I hadn't gone to see her.  There was no warning - no call from the hospital that the time was near.  My father and aunt had been to see her and she was chipper and talkative.  We received a call in the evening that she'd passed.  I was devastated.  I hadn't been there.  It took a while for me to understand, but she went that day because I hadn't gone to see her.  Each time she'd talked about being "ready to go", it had been me to tell her that I wasn't ready for that.  That she couldn't leave me.  I held her back.  I wouldn't let her say good-bye or tell her that it was okay to go.

Today I miss her.  I miss her laugh.  I miss her tapping fingers.  I miss her love, her soft skin and the wrinkles on her face.  Every year I remember her birthday, but not the date of her death.  I remember the birthday celebrations - the picnic at the park that she requested for her birthday celebration.  I remember her lawn chair and her request for simplicity in the birthday dinner menu.  I remember her request that I make her the Almond Joy Cheesecake that she loved for her birthday cake.  I remember how for years she would drive to my house to watch my children while I was at work so my husband could continue to golf on his league.  I remember her love for her family.  I remember her old gold car the size of a tank.  I remember the blond brownies she would make for each of us for our birthdays.  I remember her wanting of nothing - her simple requests for little things.  She was never one who wanted for more.  A better, more loving soul has never walked this earth.

I am happy that I am not a person who mourns those lost on the day of their death. I am glad that I remember their birthdays and celebrate them.  I wish that same ability for everyone.  And I hope that someday, when my time here is done, that people  remember me the way that I remember grandma.  With love and joy and memories of all that was good about me.

I miss you GG.  I always will.

Feeding the Soul

I love camping.  It feeds my soul.  It grounds me and brings me peace. 

I have a tent.  I have a camp stove.  I have a portable grill.  I have sleeping bags, and of course, at my age, I have an air mattress.  Last weekend, Ken and I went to Letchworth State Park for a quick camping trip.  We left late Friday afternoon and returned Sunday afternoon.  48 hours of bliss.  48 hours of no TV, very little social media (we still had our Iphones) and time spent only with each other.  48 hours of campfires, hiking, breathing the fresh air and marveling at the beauty around us.  I don't know if there is anything better. 






I love the simplicity of life in the woods.  I love the smell of bacon and coffee cooking on the camp stove. 



I love the sounds of the camp ground, the rustle of the wind in the trees and the sounds of the birds and critters.  I even loved it when one of the trees dropped a leaf in my cup of coffee and later, an acorn on my head.  It was "nature" comedy of the simplest form. 

I love the smell and crackle of the campfires and the murmur of the voices of other campers in the still night air. 



And I love the s'mores.  The ooey, gooey, chocolatey, marshmallow-y goodness. 



I've decided that I have to purchase a copy of Walden by Henry David Thoreau and re-read it.  On those days when life is busy, when I'm feeling the stress of whatever the topic of the day may be, I'll open the pages and remember how life is in the woods.  Where things are simple and uncomplicated.  And then I'll close my eyes and remember my time in the woods.  And I'll relive the peace and joy that comes with the simplicity of just enjoying the surroundings, living only in that moment, with no distractions.  And it will remind me, once again, of how easy it is to find joy in the simple knowledge that I need nothing more.  That my plate is full.  That my life is beautiful.

Happy Birthday Kenny

55 years ago, my husband was born.  He was born to two wonderful parents and he got the best of both of them.  Like his mother, his hair and eyes are dark and he has unlimited energy.  Like his father, he got his height and his gentle soul and his sweet disposition.  And 33 years ago, I was the lucky recipient of his love and attention.

Today is my husband's birthday.  It's a holiday for me.  A day when my soulmate was born (I hate that word but it's so accurate in this case).  The man who stands beside me in good times and bad.  The man who loves me in sickness and health, through thick and thin, skinny and fat.  The man who encourages my dreams and often joins me in them.  The man who trains beside me for athletic events and eats the "diet" food and never complains.  The man who rubs my back when it's tired and sore - or my ankles when they ache from carrying the weight of my body and my world.  The man who gave me two beautiful children and is the best father they could have ever hoped for.  He loves us all, with no condition.

I hope he knows what a blessing he is to all of us who know and love him.  I hope he knows that I would give my life for him.  That I am thankful for every single day I have with him.  That I still get butterflies when he walks in the room and that the best part of my day is when we shut off the lights and turn to each other in bed, find our places, snuggled together, tired, secure.

I love you Ken. I always have.  I always will.  You are a blessing in my life and I am grateful for all that you've given me - your love, you life, your strength and your heart.  I live to give you all of me.

Happy birthday.

A Marriage

Tomorrow is a big day for our family.  My niece Jessica (a.k.a. Binky) is getting married!  She is marrying a boy I've come to love - someone I feel a kindred spirit with.  They're a beautiful couple - physically and in their souls.  They are joyous, fun, loving, and kind.  I wish them joy on this special day - the same kind of joy they bring to all those who know them.  And I wish them a LIFETIME full of joy and happiness.

Have a wonderul day Jess and Dan.  Have a wonderful life.  Know that I love you and will always be here, cheering you on and praying that you have a life of wonder and happiness.  Continue to look at each other in the light of love and cherish your time together. Always remember why you took this step.  Remember the new love of your first days together.  Build on that.  You are destined for all good things.

I love you both.

Aunt Wanda

Making Time - Finding Balance

I know several people who make time for themselves.  They exercise.  They meet with friends.  They put themselves first.  And it all seems effortless.  I was not born with that gene.  I tend to do everything else first and give myself whatever time is left.  There often isn't any time left for me.  I struggle with finding the balance and time to do all that I want to do - to achieve and meet my deadlines and goals (most self imposed).  I often find laziness at the core.  I'm too tired.  I don't have the energy.  Excuses.  A general disrespect for my own goals.

I often list the things I want to accomplish.  The list goes on and on and never seems to end.  And I don't complete all that I want to.  I over-schedule, over-commit, spend too much time on things that don't matter and not enough on what does.  Finding the "balance" often seems to evade me. 

Because of this, I have decided to make a new list.  A list of what really matters.  A list of the goals that are most important to me.  A list of secondary goals.  What I fear, is that the list of what really matters will still be too large and will be unattainable.  That there still won't be enough hours in the day to complete them all - to concentrate on what is most important.  But how ridiculous is that?  Why would I fear putting in order that which is most important to me?  Wouldn't it be better to at least dig in and try rather than let fear paralyze any action at all?

A preliminary list of things that are important to me looks like this:

1)  Health - figure out a method of eating that will sustain me while giving me optimum health and well being and will fit within my tight budget.
2)  Continue to study my craft and become the best I can be.  This includes time for continued self study in all aspects of my career and Reiki.
3)  Meditate.  Take the time to center myself.  To give myself the quiet that I seek. 
4)  Spend time with God.  This could be part of the meditation process.  I struggle with this because my prayer time is full of thoughts and thanksgiving while meditation requires quieting of the mind.  But does prayer equal meditation?  Hmmmmm.
5)  Foster my family.  Give them the love and attention that they need.
6)  Continue to organize my life.
7)  Get enough sleep.
8)  Exercise
9)  Blog consistently.  Through writing, I find that my thoughts and feelings take wing.  I am energized, focused and reminded. 

This is preliminary.  There is so much more.  What should rise to the top?  What should fall away.  It's all important to me.  Maybe some of it should be - maybe some of it shouldn't be.  Maybe I'm even more overwhelmed just looking at it.  I think the important thing is to study it.  I think that for me, the key is to decide where I want to be, prioritize, set the intention, and focus.  I have to stop trying to be everything, all the time.  That is my goal for this week.  Get my goals in order.  Give my intentions to the universe and soldier on.  Stop wasting time and give my time the respect it deserves.  Stop giving myself the scraps and respect myself enough to put myself at the top.

Coming Clean

Yesterday I wrote that I had been existing on autopilot.  I haven't been able to tap into the reason for this.  I am happy.  So has that made me complacent?  When you realize some of your dreams, do the others drop away and become less important?  Do you fall into a sense of security and stop seeking more? 

I haven't reached all of my goals.  The majority of the weight is still here although a respectable amount has gone.  I am exercising.  I am in my dream job.  I have a great marriage.  The house still maintains some clutter but a good amount of it is gone.  My "to do" list remains a mile long.  With all of that, how could I lose focus.  It's not that I am not working towards the goals, it's just the loss of the hunger to succeed.  A certain laziness has crept in.  I lost focus.

Just writing the words yesterday that I'd lost focus has actually caused the focus to return!  Maybe I just needed to put it out there - to stop hiding it inside and ruminating on it silently.  Maybe it was just saying it out loud (or in my case, writing it out loud).  Maybe all I had to do was face the fact that it was happening, put it out there, and admit that something was missing.  That somehow the hunger had waned.

No more.  I'm back!  Another stumble but not a fall.  And a new drive, a new sense of calm that I will finish what I've started.  I won't fail.

Finding My Center Again

I have been lazy, distracted, uninspired.  I get up.  I exercise.  I surf the net.  I visit my favorite blogs.  I clean the house.  I get ready for work.  I go to work.  I come home.  I sleep.  Rinse.  Repeat. 

I have not been looking for inspiration lately.  I have become complacent, happy where I am.  Working towards goals, slowly achieving some.  I have been building clientele.  I have been losing weight.  I have been exercising.  But I'm running on autopilot.  I seem to have lost my excitement lately.  I don't know why.  I don't like it. 

So my new goal...find my passion again.  Dig in.  Find the excitement.  Laugh more.  Think more.  Meditate.  Self Reiki.  Remember what moves me.  Remember my journey.  Stop existing.  Start consciously living. 

No.  More.  Autopilot.

Why did I weep?

Music has always been important to me - since a very young age.  When I exercise, I clip my tiny IPod Shuffle to my shirt and find energy in the songs I've chosen.  I've mentioned one of them before. 

Rewind to yesterday.  I was out for my walk and was on my last lap when a song began to play.  A song that I've always loved.  A song I would sing at the top of my lungs if no one could hear (and do sometimes when I'm alone since I can't carry a tune to save my life.)  The song usually energizes me but yesterday, it made me weep.  Right there, on the track.  The lyrics, the singer, the angst in her voice - it brought emotions to the surface.

Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.

I can't stop thinking about those lyrics.  What despair did the author of that song feel when they wrote them?  Have I felt them?  Do I know someone who does feel that despair?  And even worse, do I not recognize that despair and am I not there to help.  What brings a person to the conclusion that they are "nothing".  And can they be saved?  Maybe I wept for times of my own despair.  Maybe I wept for some unknown person feeling that despair  Maybe I wept for anyone that ever feels like they are nothing.  Nothing.  Such a lonely, powerful word.

Ultimate Compliments

There are things in life that make you take pause and realize that you DO make a difference.  Things that make you realize that you are where you are supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing, creating what you're destined to create.  Those little moments in time that give you the boost to keep going, to keep learning, to keep trying, to keep giving.  I've had some of those and they give me joy.  I draw on those when the going gets tough and I wonder why I'm where I am, doing what I'm doing, being who I am, struggling with uncertainty.  I'll give you examples.

1)  The beautiful cards I receive on my birthday or mother's day that have notes written from my husband, my daughter (whose prose is epic), my son or my parents.  Words they write in addition to the Hallmark  sentiments that tell me that I am important to them.  I read them over and over.  I have them stashed in a drawer and sometimes I take them out and read them just to remember that they do see my love for them and they appreciate the little things.

2)  A note from a former boss along with a gift card thanking me for the "joy" I bring to the workplace.  Nothing more.  I didn't do a special report.  I didn't save the company money.  I just shared my joy and he thanked me for that.

3)  A client at work who has talked about me to her friends.  A friend of hers is going through some tough times and will be visiting my client from out-of-town.  My client wanted me to work on her friend but it was my day off.  I agreed to come in to do the service.  She cried and offered to pay me more for my time.  No need.  I am just so happy that someone thinks my healing is just what her friend needs. And yes, healing was the word she used.  Wow.

4)  My friend who calls me to talk about some problems she's having.  At the end, she tells me that I am her greatest cheerleader and that she just needed that from me that day.  She just needed to know that someone believed in her and she knew I was that person.

Four little examples of many.  I know you have them too.  Remember how great you are.  What a good friend, mother, father, sister, brother, daughter or son.  Remember those times when someone thought you brought something to their lives.  Big or small, they all add up.  You are great in your little corner of the world.  You are important.  You are loved and needed.  How wonderful is that?

Too Many to Count

So many blessings - too many to count.

It's been awhile since my last post.  In that time, we've celebrated two major holidays - Mother's Day and Father's Day.  Maybe these days were created by the greeting card companies like Hallmark, but to me, they are major.  We should honor the mothers and fathers in our lives every day, but life gets in the way.  We get busy, we forget to call.  At least these holidays make us pause and remember those who've played such major roles in our lives.  My mother and father are wonderful and I love them so much.  I am so grateful for all they've given me - my very existence, my childhood memories, and love.  And there's my in-laws, who did the same for my husband, the father of my own children.  Because of them, I have the most wonderful husband and my children have the most wonderful father and I have wonderful in-laws.  In my blessings, these are my greatest:  my parents, my in-laws, my husband and my children.  My children.  The gift that keeps on giving.  The lights of my life.  I hope each of these blessings realize how important they are to me.

And then there are the other blessings - my extended family.  Nieces, nephews, sisters and brothers-in law, aunts, uncles, and friends.  Each brings light and love into an already full existence.  My new job.  My co-workers.  I have a new co-worker who is going out of her way to help me be successful.  I try to thank her so she knows how much I appreciate her help.  My new bosses who have made me feel so welcome to the family that is their livelihood.

And as I sit here typing, I look at my garden and I'm thankful for the beauty that is my flowers and herbs.  The smell, the taste and the beauty.  I watch the water sparkling in the pool and I'm grateful for the blessing of the cool water on my skin on a hot day.  I look at my home and I'm grateful for the comfort and beauty that surrounds me.  A home filled with love and so much laughter.

And I'm grateful for a God that loves me and listens when I speak.  A God that reminds me that I am here to serve and that my job is to bring joy to this little corner of my world.  You see, in my younger days, I ruminated on "my purpose in life".  I wondered why others ran companies or became famous or did "great" things and I had no real definition of what it was that I was supposed to do.  And then one day, through prayer and meditation, I realized that greatness is not the same as fame or fortune.  That greatness is living to your own potential.  And that my greatness was in being myself and bringing my limitless joy and love to those around me.  What a blessing to realize that you are enough.  That doing what you love, and loving where you are, is the example you are supposed to set.  God whispered to me long ago that I am a healer. No, I do not lay hands on the sick and cure their illnesses, but I am a friend and a mother, a co-worker, a daughter - so many things.  And through each of these, I can lend an ear or a hand.  I can help to rebuild what has been broken.  I can offer a hug.  I can relax you through Reiki or through a facial.  I can bring you peace through my hands and my heart.  What greater blessing is there?

When life is at it's worst, remember to look at your blessings.  Look with new eyes.  House a mess?  You are blessed with stuff.  Horrible job?  You are blessed with a job and knowing that you want something else.  The blessing is in discovering there is something else and having the strength and fortitude to pursue other avenues.  An illness?  I don't know where this blessing will lie - it is for you to discover. 

Just remember to look for the blessings.  They are there.  Hidden in sorrow.  Hidden in overwhelming situations.  Right there in the joyful times - out in the open, right there for you to see.  Stop and smell the roses.  Even that ability is a blessing.  Enjoy it, savor it.  Keep it in your memory bank for the hard times.  Just look for your blessings.  They're there.  Everywhere.  Be thankful for them - all of them.  The big and the small.