Happy Birthday Kenny

55 years ago, my husband was born.  He was born to two wonderful parents and he got the best of both of them.  Like his mother, his hair and eyes are dark and he has unlimited energy.  Like his father, he got his height and his gentle soul and his sweet disposition.  And 33 years ago, I was the lucky recipient of his love and attention.

Today is my husband's birthday.  It's a holiday for me.  A day when my soulmate was born (I hate that word but it's so accurate in this case).  The man who stands beside me in good times and bad.  The man who loves me in sickness and health, through thick and thin, skinny and fat.  The man who encourages my dreams and often joins me in them.  The man who trains beside me for athletic events and eats the "diet" food and never complains.  The man who rubs my back when it's tired and sore - or my ankles when they ache from carrying the weight of my body and my world.  The man who gave me two beautiful children and is the best father they could have ever hoped for.  He loves us all, with no condition.

I hope he knows what a blessing he is to all of us who know and love him.  I hope he knows that I would give my life for him.  That I am thankful for every single day I have with him.  That I still get butterflies when he walks in the room and that the best part of my day is when we shut off the lights and turn to each other in bed, find our places, snuggled together, tired, secure.

I love you Ken. I always have.  I always will.  You are a blessing in my life and I am grateful for all that you've given me - your love, you life, your strength and your heart.  I live to give you all of me.

Happy birthday.

A Marriage

Tomorrow is a big day for our family.  My niece Jessica (a.k.a. Binky) is getting married!  She is marrying a boy I've come to love - someone I feel a kindred spirit with.  They're a beautiful couple - physically and in their souls.  They are joyous, fun, loving, and kind.  I wish them joy on this special day - the same kind of joy they bring to all those who know them.  And I wish them a LIFETIME full of joy and happiness.

Have a wonderul day Jess and Dan.  Have a wonderful life.  Know that I love you and will always be here, cheering you on and praying that you have a life of wonder and happiness.  Continue to look at each other in the light of love and cherish your time together. Always remember why you took this step.  Remember the new love of your first days together.  Build on that.  You are destined for all good things.

I love you both.

Aunt Wanda

Making Time - Finding Balance

I know several people who make time for themselves.  They exercise.  They meet with friends.  They put themselves first.  And it all seems effortless.  I was not born with that gene.  I tend to do everything else first and give myself whatever time is left.  There often isn't any time left for me.  I struggle with finding the balance and time to do all that I want to do - to achieve and meet my deadlines and goals (most self imposed).  I often find laziness at the core.  I'm too tired.  I don't have the energy.  Excuses.  A general disrespect for my own goals.

I often list the things I want to accomplish.  The list goes on and on and never seems to end.  And I don't complete all that I want to.  I over-schedule, over-commit, spend too much time on things that don't matter and not enough on what does.  Finding the "balance" often seems to evade me. 

Because of this, I have decided to make a new list.  A list of what really matters.  A list of the goals that are most important to me.  A list of secondary goals.  What I fear, is that the list of what really matters will still be too large and will be unattainable.  That there still won't be enough hours in the day to complete them all - to concentrate on what is most important.  But how ridiculous is that?  Why would I fear putting in order that which is most important to me?  Wouldn't it be better to at least dig in and try rather than let fear paralyze any action at all?

A preliminary list of things that are important to me looks like this:

1)  Health - figure out a method of eating that will sustain me while giving me optimum health and well being and will fit within my tight budget.
2)  Continue to study my craft and become the best I can be.  This includes time for continued self study in all aspects of my career and Reiki.
3)  Meditate.  Take the time to center myself.  To give myself the quiet that I seek. 
4)  Spend time with God.  This could be part of the meditation process.  I struggle with this because my prayer time is full of thoughts and thanksgiving while meditation requires quieting of the mind.  But does prayer equal meditation?  Hmmmmm.
5)  Foster my family.  Give them the love and attention that they need.
6)  Continue to organize my life.
7)  Get enough sleep.
8)  Exercise
9)  Blog consistently.  Through writing, I find that my thoughts and feelings take wing.  I am energized, focused and reminded. 

This is preliminary.  There is so much more.  What should rise to the top?  What should fall away.  It's all important to me.  Maybe some of it should be - maybe some of it shouldn't be.  Maybe I'm even more overwhelmed just looking at it.  I think the important thing is to study it.  I think that for me, the key is to decide where I want to be, prioritize, set the intention, and focus.  I have to stop trying to be everything, all the time.  That is my goal for this week.  Get my goals in order.  Give my intentions to the universe and soldier on.  Stop wasting time and give my time the respect it deserves.  Stop giving myself the scraps and respect myself enough to put myself at the top.

Coming Clean

Yesterday I wrote that I had been existing on autopilot.  I haven't been able to tap into the reason for this.  I am happy.  So has that made me complacent?  When you realize some of your dreams, do the others drop away and become less important?  Do you fall into a sense of security and stop seeking more? 

I haven't reached all of my goals.  The majority of the weight is still here although a respectable amount has gone.  I am exercising.  I am in my dream job.  I have a great marriage.  The house still maintains some clutter but a good amount of it is gone.  My "to do" list remains a mile long.  With all of that, how could I lose focus.  It's not that I am not working towards the goals, it's just the loss of the hunger to succeed.  A certain laziness has crept in.  I lost focus.

Just writing the words yesterday that I'd lost focus has actually caused the focus to return!  Maybe I just needed to put it out there - to stop hiding it inside and ruminating on it silently.  Maybe it was just saying it out loud (or in my case, writing it out loud).  Maybe all I had to do was face the fact that it was happening, put it out there, and admit that something was missing.  That somehow the hunger had waned.

No more.  I'm back!  Another stumble but not a fall.  And a new drive, a new sense of calm that I will finish what I've started.  I won't fail.

Finding My Center Again

I have been lazy, distracted, uninspired.  I get up.  I exercise.  I surf the net.  I visit my favorite blogs.  I clean the house.  I get ready for work.  I go to work.  I come home.  I sleep.  Rinse.  Repeat. 

I have not been looking for inspiration lately.  I have become complacent, happy where I am.  Working towards goals, slowly achieving some.  I have been building clientele.  I have been losing weight.  I have been exercising.  But I'm running on autopilot.  I seem to have lost my excitement lately.  I don't know why.  I don't like it. 

So my new goal...find my passion again.  Dig in.  Find the excitement.  Laugh more.  Think more.  Meditate.  Self Reiki.  Remember what moves me.  Remember my journey.  Stop existing.  Start consciously living. 

No.  More.  Autopilot.