It was not a typical Monday for me. Usually I wake somewhat early and get things done. I might surf the net a bit. Then I'll exercise, tidy the house, and work on dinner for when I get home from work. I'll get to work at 12:30 and work until 6:00. Then home to the family for some R&R and dinner. But not this Monday. This Monday required that I be at a training class for work at 9:30am. The class ended at 12:30pm. From there, I struggled through a back-up in traffic (the result of construction) and arrived at work at 1:15pm. My schedule was light so I worked on laundry and preparation for a work event that began at 6:00pm and ran until 8:00pm. The spa I work at has a yearly event for those who have fought breast cancer or are currently waging war on the ugly disease. We had 25 participants signed up. The salon had several stations lined up to pamper the ladies - 15 minute facials, 15 minute chair massages, manicures, make-up applications, pink hair extensions and sweet and savory treats - all for their enjoyment. There was no charge. It was a gift to them. Something small to acknowledge their courage.
The ladies began arriving at 5:45 and the event started the promptly at 6:00. I provided facials to women of all ages and in all stages of their fight. Some had finished their battle. Some were losing their hair from the chemo. Some were in the process of growing their hair back. Some wore wigs that they took off for the facials. All were giddy about the services offered and surprisingly, many had never experienced a facial. We laughed and giggled over their stories and at other times, I choked back tears as they shared their battles. Some were silent and relaxed as I pampered their skin, and hopefully, their soul. I especially laughed with one when she moaned in pleasure over the "potion" that I'd just applied to her face and I had to laughingly tell her that it was water. I received hugs from almost all of them when I was finished. And thank you's. At the end of the evening, I felt good, renewed, grateful. I'd met many beautiful women. Strong women. Lovely, beautiful souls.
So then, you ask, what is the "ugly truth"? The truth is, that I got up the next day, grateful for my life and my health. Energized by the night before. And what did I do with that realization? I surfed the net. I caught up on my very delinquent email and Facebook accounts. I wrote a blog post about my grandma. I did not grab life by the horns and go boldly forward. And I felt guilty about it. And then I wondered.....
Does every single moment of our life have to be about "something"? Do we always have to be on point, moving forward, striving for goals? Or can we just have a moment to sit back and waste time? Can I catch up on TV shows that I've DVR'd without feeling like I should have done more? Can rest and mindlessness actually be a part of our day or week or month without ensuing guilt. In this quest for a better me, do I have the right not to exercise when I have plenty of time to do it? In the end, will it matter that the housework did not get done? That the floors are not mopped? I can do it all tomorrow. Or the next day. As long as the work gets done, does there always have to be a timeline? I don't know. But it's at the front of my mind today. And I think it's because I think of those ladies, whose strength and lives were compromised by an ugly disease and the corresponding treatments. Were they able to just enjoy a day of nothing without guilt for what they could have accomplished? Did they stare the unknown in the face and decide, that in the end, it was okay to do nothing considered productive in their day? Or did they feel guilt that with maybe little time left, they hadn't accomplished all they'd set out to do.
I don't want to be busy doing work all of the time or feeling guilt when I'm not doing the work I've imposed on myself. I want a clean house, a thin body and delicious homemade food on the table - but not at the expense of EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. of my life. It all works into my need for balance. For not feeling like I should do more, be more, accomplish more. When is it enough? I will continue struggling with this and trying to find the answer. In the meantime, I'll think I'll go have a glass of Diet Pepsi and watch the episode "Beat Bobby Flay" that is on my DVR.
Have a wonderful, relaxing, balanced day!
