Living (Part of) The Dream

34 years as an executive admin.  36 years dreaming of being something else.  I've wanted to be in the beauty industry since I was 15.  For years, I dreamed of being a hair stylist.  That changed one day while I lay on an esthetician's table receiving a facial.  So you know how the dream ends.  At 51, I finally take the leap and return to school.  I work full time and go to school at night.  Many nights I'm up until 2:00am doing homework and studying.  At 53 I lose my job and at 53, I start my new career as an esthetician.  God and the universe led me to where I am now.  Living the dream.  To say that I love my job is an understatement.  To say that I finally feel at home with my work is an understatement.  I am happy.  I am in love with my career.  I am satisfied, content and inspired.

So how does this qualify as "part of" the dream?  Because I dream so much more!  I dream of being at my perfect weight.  I dream of travel, of money in the bank, of letting go of anxiety that I'm getting older and not realizing the rest of my dreams.  I dream of triathlons and marathons and hours on the yoga mat.  I dream of clean eating and perfect health.  And I struggle with trying to reach those dreams. 

When I finally realized the dream of starting my new career, I had an epiphany...you're never too old to start again.  You're never too old to change your path.  With that thought, I'll continue my journey.  Always striving, always trying.  Always reaching for those new dreams.

Struggling Through

So, dieting is hard.  It stinks (I can think of other words but they're not printable).  It's boring and frustrating.  No matter what, there is a certain feeling of deprivation when you are eating well but all you want is a banana split.  I have been craving a banana split.  Do you know how often I used to eat them?  Never.  So why am I craving one now.  I blame it on the diet.

That said, March has been hard for other reasons.  Ken and I decided to implement a "No Spend March" policy - another deprivation of sorts.  Except for living expenses (groceries, gas, bills), we'd spend no extraneous funds.  No going out to eat.  No movies or events.  No purchases that would tap the always shaky bank account.  It stinks (again, I'm using the kind word here).  So, what has been the result?  We do have more money in the bank!  Yay!  The bills are paid early.  But there are drawbacks....I am out of vitamin C serum, my beloved Clinique eye stick, face powder, concealer and low on my favorite lipstick .  Woe is me!  I'm an esthetician for crying out loud!  My skin is my livelihood!  I laughingly told Ken last night that "No spend March" is going to turn into "High Spend April" while I try to replenish my dimished supplies.  In the meantime, I'm lying low.  I'm using lipsticks I don't like as well and sporting under eye circles and puffiness (they're the new black).  One more week and I'll look rested again - albeit a fake restfulness created by smoke and mirrors (concealer, powder and face-brightening lip color).

In the end, "No Spend March" is a good thing.  It brings in line your spending mindfulness.  It reminds you to ask yourself if the purchase is a need or a want.  We've done this before and we've survived.  We'll survive again.  I've been better at sticking to my grocery budget because of it.  The bank account has remained stable, the eating has been cleaner, and life is as wonderful as it has always been.  It reminds me that it isn't what we can purchase that brings us happiness but the relationships and the joy of knowing that I have enough.  That home is just where I want it to be.  That I love my life and that no "thing" will bring me joy as much as my loved ones and my day-to-day existence. 

Beginning Again. Again.

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

I am working towards goals for 2016.  I've already stalled.  I promise to begin again.  Again.  One more time.  One more attempt.  In my frustration with my lack of focus, I get angry with myself.  Frustrated.  But I begin again.  Again.  Over and over, the cycle repeats itself. 

I wish I could find the answer to why it never seems to flow.  Why the changes I promise myself I'll make happen and then don't.  Why I lose the focus.

But today I promise myself that I'll begin again.  Again.  I'll continue to try.  And maybe this time it will stick and I'll succeed.  I guess, in the end, that's the best we can do.  To keep trying.  To soldier on.  To set our intentions and take the first step, then the second, in hopes that this time, it will all fall into place and our goals will become our reality.

Making the Tough Decisions

I find myself at somewhat of a crossroads.  I have decisions to make.  They require large commitments.  Some of the decisions would be life changing in a material way - some in a mental, personal way.  I could write pros and cons lists.  I could meditate.  I could pray.  I could follow my heart - or my head.  Either way, I struggle.  I struggle with the long term.  I struggle with the short term.  Some seem easy - like what to eat right now to continue on my health plan or what time to go to the gym (or to go at all).  Some are more difficult - like career choices or commitments to large goals.

Either way, I have to make a decision.  Forge a path.  Move ahead.  And make the choices I have to with no regret (and this is my largest struggle - regret).

I'm going to end this post because I have an action to take.  A large one for me.  A personal goal to fulfill.  2016 will be a year of change.  A year of goals met.  I am determined to make it so.

2016 - A New Year

Well, well, well.  14 long months since my last blog post.  "Where have you been?" you ask.  Well, I've been doing the same thing I've always done.  Starting a new weight loss plan every so often, working, starting a new exercise regime (every so often), cleaning the house, surfing the net, vegging in front of the television, sleeping, eating.....

In the past year I've lost weight.  I've gained weight.  I camped for 5 days in Vermont.  I redecorated my house.  I've tried new recipes.  I've celebrated holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.  I've thought about writing.  I haven't.  I want to document the things I've done.  I haven't.  Laziness?  Overwhelmed by life?  Maybe a combination of both.  Maybe neither.  I am neither lazy nor overwhelmed but sometimes the thought of sitting down to write does not spur me to take action.  It's been on the back burner, an afterthought.

So here I am.  It's January 7, 2016.  A new year.  New resolutions to do the things I love.  To reach goals.  A new disappointment that another year has gone by and I haven't accomplished the things I logged into a new journal as my aspirations for 2015.  I found that journal today and tossed it.  It's just a reminder of dreams and goals I have put off for another year.  But if nothing else, I am persistent.  I DO have goals.  I DO have dreams.  And I will continue to pursue them.  And when all is said and done, I plan on finishing them, achieving them. 

Happy 2016!  May all of your, and my, dreams come true.