Coming Clean

Yesterday I wrote that I had been existing on autopilot.  I haven't been able to tap into the reason for this.  I am happy.  So has that made me complacent?  When you realize some of your dreams, do the others drop away and become less important?  Do you fall into a sense of security and stop seeking more? 

I haven't reached all of my goals.  The majority of the weight is still here although a respectable amount has gone.  I am exercising.  I am in my dream job.  I have a great marriage.  The house still maintains some clutter but a good amount of it is gone.  My "to do" list remains a mile long.  With all of that, how could I lose focus.  It's not that I am not working towards the goals, it's just the loss of the hunger to succeed.  A certain laziness has crept in.  I lost focus.

Just writing the words yesterday that I'd lost focus has actually caused the focus to return!  Maybe I just needed to put it out there - to stop hiding it inside and ruminating on it silently.  Maybe it was just saying it out loud (or in my case, writing it out loud).  Maybe all I had to do was face the fact that it was happening, put it out there, and admit that something was missing.  That somehow the hunger had waned.

No more.  I'm back!  Another stumble but not a fall.  And a new drive, a new sense of calm that I will finish what I've started.  I won't fail.

Finding My Center Again

I have been lazy, distracted, uninspired.  I get up.  I exercise.  I surf the net.  I visit my favorite blogs.  I clean the house.  I get ready for work.  I go to work.  I come home.  I sleep.  Rinse.  Repeat. 

I have not been looking for inspiration lately.  I have become complacent, happy where I am.  Working towards goals, slowly achieving some.  I have been building clientele.  I have been losing weight.  I have been exercising.  But I'm running on autopilot.  I seem to have lost my excitement lately.  I don't know why.  I don't like it. 

So my new goal...find my passion again.  Dig in.  Find the excitement.  Laugh more.  Think more.  Meditate.  Self Reiki.  Remember what moves me.  Remember my journey.  Stop existing.  Start consciously living. 

No.  More.  Autopilot.

Why did I weep?

Music has always been important to me - since a very young age.  When I exercise, I clip my tiny IPod Shuffle to my shirt and find energy in the songs I've chosen.  I've mentioned one of them before. 

Rewind to yesterday.  I was out for my walk and was on my last lap when a song began to play.  A song that I've always loved.  A song I would sing at the top of my lungs if no one could hear (and do sometimes when I'm alone since I can't carry a tune to save my life.)  The song usually energizes me but yesterday, it made me weep.  Right there, on the track.  The lyrics, the singer, the angst in her voice - it brought emotions to the surface.

Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.

I can't stop thinking about those lyrics.  What despair did the author of that song feel when they wrote them?  Have I felt them?  Do I know someone who does feel that despair?  And even worse, do I not recognize that despair and am I not there to help.  What brings a person to the conclusion that they are "nothing".  And can they be saved?  Maybe I wept for times of my own despair.  Maybe I wept for some unknown person feeling that despair  Maybe I wept for anyone that ever feels like they are nothing.  Nothing.  Such a lonely, powerful word.

Ultimate Compliments

There are things in life that make you take pause and realize that you DO make a difference.  Things that make you realize that you are where you are supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing, creating what you're destined to create.  Those little moments in time that give you the boost to keep going, to keep learning, to keep trying, to keep giving.  I've had some of those and they give me joy.  I draw on those when the going gets tough and I wonder why I'm where I am, doing what I'm doing, being who I am, struggling with uncertainty.  I'll give you examples.

1)  The beautiful cards I receive on my birthday or mother's day that have notes written from my husband, my daughter (whose prose is epic), my son or my parents.  Words they write in addition to the Hallmark  sentiments that tell me that I am important to them.  I read them over and over.  I have them stashed in a drawer and sometimes I take them out and read them just to remember that they do see my love for them and they appreciate the little things.

2)  A note from a former boss along with a gift card thanking me for the "joy" I bring to the workplace.  Nothing more.  I didn't do a special report.  I didn't save the company money.  I just shared my joy and he thanked me for that.

3)  A client at work who has talked about me to her friends.  A friend of hers is going through some tough times and will be visiting my client from out-of-town.  My client wanted me to work on her friend but it was my day off.  I agreed to come in to do the service.  She cried and offered to pay me more for my time.  No need.  I am just so happy that someone thinks my healing is just what her friend needs. And yes, healing was the word she used.  Wow.

4)  My friend who calls me to talk about some problems she's having.  At the end, she tells me that I am her greatest cheerleader and that she just needed that from me that day.  She just needed to know that someone believed in her and she knew I was that person.

Four little examples of many.  I know you have them too.  Remember how great you are.  What a good friend, mother, father, sister, brother, daughter or son.  Remember those times when someone thought you brought something to their lives.  Big or small, they all add up.  You are great in your little corner of the world.  You are important.  You are loved and needed.  How wonderful is that?

Too Many to Count

So many blessings - too many to count.

It's been awhile since my last post.  In that time, we've celebrated two major holidays - Mother's Day and Father's Day.  Maybe these days were created by the greeting card companies like Hallmark, but to me, they are major.  We should honor the mothers and fathers in our lives every day, but life gets in the way.  We get busy, we forget to call.  At least these holidays make us pause and remember those who've played such major roles in our lives.  My mother and father are wonderful and I love them so much.  I am so grateful for all they've given me - my very existence, my childhood memories, and love.  And there's my in-laws, who did the same for my husband, the father of my own children.  Because of them, I have the most wonderful husband and my children have the most wonderful father and I have wonderful in-laws.  In my blessings, these are my greatest:  my parents, my in-laws, my husband and my children.  My children.  The gift that keeps on giving.  The lights of my life.  I hope each of these blessings realize how important they are to me.

And then there are the other blessings - my extended family.  Nieces, nephews, sisters and brothers-in law, aunts, uncles, and friends.  Each brings light and love into an already full existence.  My new job.  My co-workers.  I have a new co-worker who is going out of her way to help me be successful.  I try to thank her so she knows how much I appreciate her help.  My new bosses who have made me feel so welcome to the family that is their livelihood.

And as I sit here typing, I look at my garden and I'm thankful for the beauty that is my flowers and herbs.  The smell, the taste and the beauty.  I watch the water sparkling in the pool and I'm grateful for the blessing of the cool water on my skin on a hot day.  I look at my home and I'm grateful for the comfort and beauty that surrounds me.  A home filled with love and so much laughter.

And I'm grateful for a God that loves me and listens when I speak.  A God that reminds me that I am here to serve and that my job is to bring joy to this little corner of my world.  You see, in my younger days, I ruminated on "my purpose in life".  I wondered why others ran companies or became famous or did "great" things and I had no real definition of what it was that I was supposed to do.  And then one day, through prayer and meditation, I realized that greatness is not the same as fame or fortune.  That greatness is living to your own potential.  And that my greatness was in being myself and bringing my limitless joy and love to those around me.  What a blessing to realize that you are enough.  That doing what you love, and loving where you are, is the example you are supposed to set.  God whispered to me long ago that I am a healer. No, I do not lay hands on the sick and cure their illnesses, but I am a friend and a mother, a co-worker, a daughter - so many things.  And through each of these, I can lend an ear or a hand.  I can help to rebuild what has been broken.  I can offer a hug.  I can relax you through Reiki or through a facial.  I can bring you peace through my hands and my heart.  What greater blessing is there?

When life is at it's worst, remember to look at your blessings.  Look with new eyes.  House a mess?  You are blessed with stuff.  Horrible job?  You are blessed with a job and knowing that you want something else.  The blessing is in discovering there is something else and having the strength and fortitude to pursue other avenues.  An illness?  I don't know where this blessing will lie - it is for you to discover. 

Just remember to look for the blessings.  They are there.  Hidden in sorrow.  Hidden in overwhelming situations.  Right there in the joyful times - out in the open, right there for you to see.  Stop and smell the roses.  Even that ability is a blessing.  Enjoy it, savor it.  Keep it in your memory bank for the hard times.  Just look for your blessings.  They're there.  Everywhere.  Be thankful for them - all of them.  The big and the small.

The dreams that you wish....will come true

I got a job. As an esthetician. Goal realized?  Check!

Sometimes you dream a dream and it becomes a reality.  And a disappointment.  Sometimes you dream a dream and it becomes a reality - and it's everything you dreamed it would be.  I'm there.  I'm living one of my dreams.  I love my job.  I go to work each day excited about the opportunities ahead of me.  Anxious to see what the day will bring.  Of course, since I'm just starting out, my days consist of a lot of laundry (you wouldn't believe the amount of laundry generated in a spa) or cleaning up the backbar and helping co-workers break down or set up rooms.  But I'm there and I'm happy to be there.  And I'm grateful that every day brings me more joy and experience.

I've had so many dreams in my life.  My husband is one of them.  My children. Vacations.  Events.  A triathlon.  All these things rolled up into one beautiful dream - one fantastic life.  And now, at 53, a career dream.  I am proof that it's never too late to do something new.  You're never too old to dream. 

Who Wants to be a Millionaire....or maybe an Esthetician?

Flash back about 20 years.  I'm lying in a dark room.  There's music playing.  I'm lying on my back in a warm bed.  There's a woman there, applying lovely smelling potions to my face.  I am calm.  Happy.  She massages my arms and shoulders...my scalp...my ears.  And in this moment, this hour of luxury, I have an epiphany.  This is what I want to do with my life.  I want to give others this experience.  I want to live this atmosphere.  I want to breathe it in.  I find joy here.  I want to be an esthetician.

I'd had a facial before.  The room was cold.  The esthetician smelled of cigarettes.  I walked away none the better for the experience.  But this time, it was different.  I felt peace.  And comfort.  And joy.  And a calling.  For 20 years, this calling has been on the back burner.  I've wanted it.  I've dreamed of it.  But I was in a comfortable job and raising my family.  It just wasn't the time.

Fast forward almost 20 years later.  I lost my job.  In the devastation that comes with losing something that you've worked hard for over a 32 year period, came an excitement for what lie ahead.  I would finally go to school and become what I'd dreamed.  But then came a job offer to do the same job that I'd always done.  Out of fear, I accepted.  Fear and my belief that things happen for a reason - that my path included this new job.  So I took it.  But I also continued my journey to becoming what I'd wanted to be - an esthetician.  I signed up for school.  I loved school.  When I did my first facial, I felt the joy I'd coveted.  And it went on.  Each facial, each body treatment, each service to a client, brought me new relationships.  I met people who needed what I had to give - an hour of relaxation and touch.  An hour of solitude and the gift of my attention.  I loved it.  All of it.

Sure, I'd love to be a millionaire too.  As an esthetician, I will never achieve that status unless I win the lottery - which has nothing to do with esthetics!  But I can tell you, that being a millionaire has never been my calling.  I am so happy that I've followed my heart.  Listen closely when your heart speaks.  Keep dreaming.  Keep dreaming.