Happy Birthday Rachael!

She is my heart.  For 28 years I have loved her as I love no other.  She is my first child.  She is smart and brave, sweet and strong, loving and giving....and funny.  She is beautiful on the outside but her soul is radiant.  She is everything I hoped my daughter would be and I am so very grateful that she was given to me.

Happy 28th birthday Rachael.  My daughter, my friend, the light of my life.

Love,
Mom

The Ugly Truth

It was not a typical Monday for me.  Usually I wake somewhat early and get things done.  I might surf the net a bit.  Then I'll exercise, tidy the house, and work on dinner for when I get home from work.  I'll get to work at 12:30 and work until 6:00.  Then home to the family for some R&R and dinner.  But not this Monday.  This Monday required that I be at a training class for work at 9:30am.  The class ended at 12:30pm.  From there, I struggled through a back-up in traffic (the result of construction) and arrived at work at 1:15pm.  My schedule was light so I worked on laundry and preparation for a work event that began at 6:00pm and ran until 8:00pm.  The spa I work at has a yearly event for those who have fought breast cancer or are currently waging war on the ugly disease.  We had 25 participants signed up.  The salon had several stations lined up to pamper the ladies - 15 minute facials, 15 minute chair massages, manicures, make-up applications, pink hair extensions and sweet and savory treats - all for their enjoyment.  There was no charge.  It was a gift to them.  Something small to acknowledge their courage.

The ladies began arriving at 5:45 and the event started the promptly at 6:00.  I provided facials to women of all ages and in all stages of their fight.  Some had finished their battle.  Some were losing their hair from the chemo.  Some were in the process of growing their hair back.  Some wore wigs that they took off for the facials.  All were giddy about the services offered and surprisingly, many had never experienced a facial.  We laughed and giggled over their stories and at other times, I choked back tears as they shared their battles. Some were silent and relaxed as I pampered their skin, and hopefully, their soul.  I especially laughed with one when she moaned in pleasure over the "potion" that I'd just applied to her face and I had to laughingly tell her that it was water.  I received hugs from almost all of them when I was finished.  And thank you's.  At the end of the evening, I felt good, renewed, grateful.  I'd met many beautiful women.  Strong women.  Lovely, beautiful souls.

So then, you ask, what is the "ugly truth"?  The truth is, that I got up the next day, grateful for my life and my health.  Energized by the night before.  And what did I do with that realization?  I surfed the net.  I caught up on my very delinquent email and Facebook accounts.  I wrote a blog post about my grandma.  I did not grab life by the horns and go boldly forward.  And I felt guilty about it.  And then I wondered.....

Does every single moment of our life have to be about "something"?  Do we always have to be on point, moving forward, striving for goals?  Or can we just have a moment to sit back and waste time?  Can I catch up on TV shows that I've DVR'd without feeling like I should have done more?  Can rest and mindlessness actually be a part of our day or week or month without ensuing guilt.  In this quest for a better me, do I have the right not to exercise when I have plenty of time to do it?  In the end, will it matter that the housework did not get done?  That the floors are not mopped?  I can do it all tomorrow.  Or the next day.  As long as the work gets done, does there always have to be a timeline?  I don't know.  But it's at the front of my mind today.  And I think it's because I think of those ladies, whose strength and lives were compromised by an ugly disease and the corresponding treatments.  Were they able to just enjoy a day of nothing without guilt for what they could have accomplished?  Did they stare the unknown in the face and decide, that in the end, it was okay to do nothing considered productive in their day?  Or did they feel guilt that with maybe little time left, they hadn't accomplished all they'd set out to do.

I don't want to be busy doing work all of the time or feeling guilt when I'm not doing the work I've imposed on myself.  I want a clean house, a thin body and delicious homemade food on the table - but not at the expense of EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. of my life.  It all works into my need for balance.  For not feeling like I should do more, be more, accomplish more.  When is it enough?  I will continue struggling with this and trying to find the answer.  In the meantime, I'll think I'll go have a glass of Diet Pepsi and watch the episode "Beat Bobby Flay" that is on my DVR.

Have a wonderful, relaxing, balanced day!

Life, Death and Mourning

There are two certainties in life:  new life and death.  Babies are born and we rejoice in them.  Loved ones die and we mourn them.  Many people I know, yearly mourn the deaths of loved ones on the dates of their death.  I, on the other hand, mourn those losses at odd times.  Today I mourn the loss of my grandmother.  I do not remember the exact date of her death.  I remember always that it was the weekend of Thanksgiving.  For the first time in my life, it was not grandma that made Thanksgiving dinner but my aunt who'd always lived with her.  My aunt made all the dishes that grandma was "famous" for.  The turkey (overcooked), the jello salads, the stuffing, potatoes and cabbage salad.  It was at grandma's house and the menu was the same, but she was not there.  I'd gone to see her before dinner at the hospital where she was a patient.  It had been a bad day for her.  She was weak and not feeling well.  I remember crying when I left.  Afraid that she would leave us.  She did leave us a couple of days later.  On a day when she was doing well.  It was the one day I hadn't gone to see her.  There was no warning - no call from the hospital that the time was near.  My father and aunt had been to see her and she was chipper and talkative.  We received a call in the evening that she'd passed.  I was devastated.  I hadn't been there.  It took a while for me to understand, but she went that day because I hadn't gone to see her.  Each time she'd talked about being "ready to go", it had been me to tell her that I wasn't ready for that.  That she couldn't leave me.  I held her back.  I wouldn't let her say good-bye or tell her that it was okay to go.

Today I miss her.  I miss her laugh.  I miss her tapping fingers.  I miss her love, her soft skin and the wrinkles on her face.  Every year I remember her birthday, but not the date of her death.  I remember the birthday celebrations - the picnic at the park that she requested for her birthday celebration.  I remember her lawn chair and her request for simplicity in the birthday dinner menu.  I remember her request that I make her the Almond Joy Cheesecake that she loved for her birthday cake.  I remember how for years she would drive to my house to watch my children while I was at work so my husband could continue to golf on his league.  I remember her love for her family.  I remember her old gold car the size of a tank.  I remember the blond brownies she would make for each of us for our birthdays.  I remember her wanting of nothing - her simple requests for little things.  She was never one who wanted for more.  A better, more loving soul has never walked this earth.

I am happy that I am not a person who mourns those lost on the day of their death. I am glad that I remember their birthdays and celebrate them.  I wish that same ability for everyone.  And I hope that someday, when my time here is done, that people  remember me the way that I remember grandma.  With love and joy and memories of all that was good about me.

I miss you GG.  I always will.

Feeding the Soul

I love camping.  It feeds my soul.  It grounds me and brings me peace. 

I have a tent.  I have a camp stove.  I have a portable grill.  I have sleeping bags, and of course, at my age, I have an air mattress.  Last weekend, Ken and I went to Letchworth State Park for a quick camping trip.  We left late Friday afternoon and returned Sunday afternoon.  48 hours of bliss.  48 hours of no TV, very little social media (we still had our Iphones) and time spent only with each other.  48 hours of campfires, hiking, breathing the fresh air and marveling at the beauty around us.  I don't know if there is anything better. 






I love the simplicity of life in the woods.  I love the smell of bacon and coffee cooking on the camp stove. 



I love the sounds of the camp ground, the rustle of the wind in the trees and the sounds of the birds and critters.  I even loved it when one of the trees dropped a leaf in my cup of coffee and later, an acorn on my head.  It was "nature" comedy of the simplest form. 

I love the smell and crackle of the campfires and the murmur of the voices of other campers in the still night air. 



And I love the s'mores.  The ooey, gooey, chocolatey, marshmallow-y goodness. 



I've decided that I have to purchase a copy of Walden by Henry David Thoreau and re-read it.  On those days when life is busy, when I'm feeling the stress of whatever the topic of the day may be, I'll open the pages and remember how life is in the woods.  Where things are simple and uncomplicated.  And then I'll close my eyes and remember my time in the woods.  And I'll relive the peace and joy that comes with the simplicity of just enjoying the surroundings, living only in that moment, with no distractions.  And it will remind me, once again, of how easy it is to find joy in the simple knowledge that I need nothing more.  That my plate is full.  That my life is beautiful.

Happy Birthday Kenny

55 years ago, my husband was born.  He was born to two wonderful parents and he got the best of both of them.  Like his mother, his hair and eyes are dark and he has unlimited energy.  Like his father, he got his height and his gentle soul and his sweet disposition.  And 33 years ago, I was the lucky recipient of his love and attention.

Today is my husband's birthday.  It's a holiday for me.  A day when my soulmate was born (I hate that word but it's so accurate in this case).  The man who stands beside me in good times and bad.  The man who loves me in sickness and health, through thick and thin, skinny and fat.  The man who encourages my dreams and often joins me in them.  The man who trains beside me for athletic events and eats the "diet" food and never complains.  The man who rubs my back when it's tired and sore - or my ankles when they ache from carrying the weight of my body and my world.  The man who gave me two beautiful children and is the best father they could have ever hoped for.  He loves us all, with no condition.

I hope he knows what a blessing he is to all of us who know and love him.  I hope he knows that I would give my life for him.  That I am thankful for every single day I have with him.  That I still get butterflies when he walks in the room and that the best part of my day is when we shut off the lights and turn to each other in bed, find our places, snuggled together, tired, secure.

I love you Ken. I always have.  I always will.  You are a blessing in my life and I am grateful for all that you've given me - your love, you life, your strength and your heart.  I live to give you all of me.

Happy birthday.

A Marriage

Tomorrow is a big day for our family.  My niece Jessica (a.k.a. Binky) is getting married!  She is marrying a boy I've come to love - someone I feel a kindred spirit with.  They're a beautiful couple - physically and in their souls.  They are joyous, fun, loving, and kind.  I wish them joy on this special day - the same kind of joy they bring to all those who know them.  And I wish them a LIFETIME full of joy and happiness.

Have a wonderul day Jess and Dan.  Have a wonderful life.  Know that I love you and will always be here, cheering you on and praying that you have a life of wonder and happiness.  Continue to look at each other in the light of love and cherish your time together. Always remember why you took this step.  Remember the new love of your first days together.  Build on that.  You are destined for all good things.

I love you both.

Aunt Wanda

Making Time - Finding Balance

I know several people who make time for themselves.  They exercise.  They meet with friends.  They put themselves first.  And it all seems effortless.  I was not born with that gene.  I tend to do everything else first and give myself whatever time is left.  There often isn't any time left for me.  I struggle with finding the balance and time to do all that I want to do - to achieve and meet my deadlines and goals (most self imposed).  I often find laziness at the core.  I'm too tired.  I don't have the energy.  Excuses.  A general disrespect for my own goals.

I often list the things I want to accomplish.  The list goes on and on and never seems to end.  And I don't complete all that I want to.  I over-schedule, over-commit, spend too much time on things that don't matter and not enough on what does.  Finding the "balance" often seems to evade me. 

Because of this, I have decided to make a new list.  A list of what really matters.  A list of the goals that are most important to me.  A list of secondary goals.  What I fear, is that the list of what really matters will still be too large and will be unattainable.  That there still won't be enough hours in the day to complete them all - to concentrate on what is most important.  But how ridiculous is that?  Why would I fear putting in order that which is most important to me?  Wouldn't it be better to at least dig in and try rather than let fear paralyze any action at all?

A preliminary list of things that are important to me looks like this:

1)  Health - figure out a method of eating that will sustain me while giving me optimum health and well being and will fit within my tight budget.
2)  Continue to study my craft and become the best I can be.  This includes time for continued self study in all aspects of my career and Reiki.
3)  Meditate.  Take the time to center myself.  To give myself the quiet that I seek. 
4)  Spend time with God.  This could be part of the meditation process.  I struggle with this because my prayer time is full of thoughts and thanksgiving while meditation requires quieting of the mind.  But does prayer equal meditation?  Hmmmmm.
5)  Foster my family.  Give them the love and attention that they need.
6)  Continue to organize my life.
7)  Get enough sleep.
8)  Exercise
9)  Blog consistently.  Through writing, I find that my thoughts and feelings take wing.  I am energized, focused and reminded. 

This is preliminary.  There is so much more.  What should rise to the top?  What should fall away.  It's all important to me.  Maybe some of it should be - maybe some of it shouldn't be.  Maybe I'm even more overwhelmed just looking at it.  I think the important thing is to study it.  I think that for me, the key is to decide where I want to be, prioritize, set the intention, and focus.  I have to stop trying to be everything, all the time.  That is my goal for this week.  Get my goals in order.  Give my intentions to the universe and soldier on.  Stop wasting time and give my time the respect it deserves.  Stop giving myself the scraps and respect myself enough to put myself at the top.