Some Days, I Feel What Atlas Must Have Felt

The weight of the world on my shoulders.  A gnawing sense of doom.  A feeling of hopeless sadness.  I felt that on Monday.  The day just went wrong.  I cried.  I railed.  I felt very, very, alone.  And tired.  Tired of trying.  Tired of fighting.  Tired of being invisible.  Tired of feeling used.  Angry.  So many negative, unproductive feelings.  I didn't have the energy to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  So I sulked.  And cried some more.  And then I went to bed.

I didn't sleep well that night.  Conversations that could have been had ran through my head.  Sniping, angry sentences formed that I longed to say but knew I never would.  I don't like conflict. I avoid it. I get pushed and pushed until I'm past my breaking point and then I know that I have to hold my silence or the angry, bitter words will rush past my lips and land on ears that probably don't care since they are the source of my emotion.

When I woke up the next morning, the sadness followed me.  I bathed in it.  I let it get the best of me.  I unleashed the cause of all of my suffering to my husband and he, in his usual, calm way, told me to address the situation.  The sad thing is, I can't right now.  My filter is worn thin.  I will not use kind words.  I will not be able to keep my voice from reaching it's high, fevered pitch and breathlessness that it gets when I've reached my end.  So he told me to wait.  Wait until the time is right.  Wait until the pain and emotions have passed, and then address it.  And I started to calm down.  I started to breathe again.  I could think through the situation without instant tears and disgust for the way I've been treated.  I decided to heed his advice and wait.

I didn't sleep very well the next night either but I did wake up determined.  Determined not to let this define me.  Determined not to let this cloud another day.  I reminded myself that I did not deserve this - that I deserve better.  I gave myself a much needed Reiki treatment.  I meditated.  I prayed.  I hatched a plan and wrote it down.  And now I have every intention of following it through.

In the end, I've decided to fight.  Not with words.  Not with attitude.  I will fight it the best way I know how - by continuing to be who I am.  To be successful with or without the support of others.  To rise above their lousy behavior, put on my game face, and go forward with grace.  I am strong.  I am a fighter.  And now, after reconnecting with the light in side of me, I am calm.