Struggling Through

So, dieting is hard.  It stinks (I can think of other words but they're not printable).  It's boring and frustrating.  No matter what, there is a certain feeling of deprivation when you are eating well but all you want is a banana split.  I have been craving a banana split.  Do you know how often I used to eat them?  Never.  So why am I craving one now.  I blame it on the diet.

That said, March has been hard for other reasons.  Ken and I decided to implement a "No Spend March" policy - another deprivation of sorts.  Except for living expenses (groceries, gas, bills), we'd spend no extraneous funds.  No going out to eat.  No movies or events.  No purchases that would tap the always shaky bank account.  It stinks (again, I'm using the kind word here).  So, what has been the result?  We do have more money in the bank!  Yay!  The bills are paid early.  But there are drawbacks....I am out of vitamin C serum, my beloved Clinique eye stick, face powder, concealer and low on my favorite lipstick .  Woe is me!  I'm an esthetician for crying out loud!  My skin is my livelihood!  I laughingly told Ken last night that "No spend March" is going to turn into "High Spend April" while I try to replenish my dimished supplies.  In the meantime, I'm lying low.  I'm using lipsticks I don't like as well and sporting under eye circles and puffiness (they're the new black).  One more week and I'll look rested again - albeit a fake restfulness created by smoke and mirrors (concealer, powder and face-brightening lip color).

In the end, "No Spend March" is a good thing.  It brings in line your spending mindfulness.  It reminds you to ask yourself if the purchase is a need or a want.  We've done this before and we've survived.  We'll survive again.  I've been better at sticking to my grocery budget because of it.  The bank account has remained stable, the eating has been cleaner, and life is as wonderful as it has always been.  It reminds me that it isn't what we can purchase that brings us happiness but the relationships and the joy of knowing that I have enough.  That home is just where I want it to be.  That I love my life and that no "thing" will bring me joy as much as my loved ones and my day-to-day existence. 

Beginning Again. Again.

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

I am working towards goals for 2016.  I've already stalled.  I promise to begin again.  Again.  One more time.  One more attempt.  In my frustration with my lack of focus, I get angry with myself.  Frustrated.  But I begin again.  Again.  Over and over, the cycle repeats itself. 

I wish I could find the answer to why it never seems to flow.  Why the changes I promise myself I'll make happen and then don't.  Why I lose the focus.

But today I promise myself that I'll begin again.  Again.  I'll continue to try.  And maybe this time it will stick and I'll succeed.  I guess, in the end, that's the best we can do.  To keep trying.  To soldier on.  To set our intentions and take the first step, then the second, in hopes that this time, it will all fall into place and our goals will become our reality.

Making the Tough Decisions

I find myself at somewhat of a crossroads.  I have decisions to make.  They require large commitments.  Some of the decisions would be life changing in a material way - some in a mental, personal way.  I could write pros and cons lists.  I could meditate.  I could pray.  I could follow my heart - or my head.  Either way, I struggle.  I struggle with the long term.  I struggle with the short term.  Some seem easy - like what to eat right now to continue on my health plan or what time to go to the gym (or to go at all).  Some are more difficult - like career choices or commitments to large goals.

Either way, I have to make a decision.  Forge a path.  Move ahead.  And make the choices I have to with no regret (and this is my largest struggle - regret).

I'm going to end this post because I have an action to take.  A large one for me.  A personal goal to fulfill.  2016 will be a year of change.  A year of goals met.  I am determined to make it so.

2016 - A New Year

Well, well, well.  14 long months since my last blog post.  "Where have you been?" you ask.  Well, I've been doing the same thing I've always done.  Starting a new weight loss plan every so often, working, starting a new exercise regime (every so often), cleaning the house, surfing the net, vegging in front of the television, sleeping, eating.....

In the past year I've lost weight.  I've gained weight.  I camped for 5 days in Vermont.  I redecorated my house.  I've tried new recipes.  I've celebrated holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.  I've thought about writing.  I haven't.  I want to document the things I've done.  I haven't.  Laziness?  Overwhelmed by life?  Maybe a combination of both.  Maybe neither.  I am neither lazy nor overwhelmed but sometimes the thought of sitting down to write does not spur me to take action.  It's been on the back burner, an afterthought.

So here I am.  It's January 7, 2016.  A new year.  New resolutions to do the things I love.  To reach goals.  A new disappointment that another year has gone by and I haven't accomplished the things I logged into a new journal as my aspirations for 2015.  I found that journal today and tossed it.  It's just a reminder of dreams and goals I have put off for another year.  But if nothing else, I am persistent.  I DO have goals.  I DO have dreams.  And I will continue to pursue them.  And when all is said and done, I plan on finishing them, achieving them. 

Happy 2016!  May all of your, and my, dreams come true.

Happy Birthday Rachael!

She is my heart.  For 28 years I have loved her as I love no other.  She is my first child.  She is smart and brave, sweet and strong, loving and giving....and funny.  She is beautiful on the outside but her soul is radiant.  She is everything I hoped my daughter would be and I am so very grateful that she was given to me.

Happy 28th birthday Rachael.  My daughter, my friend, the light of my life.

Love,
Mom

The Ugly Truth

It was not a typical Monday for me.  Usually I wake somewhat early and get things done.  I might surf the net a bit.  Then I'll exercise, tidy the house, and work on dinner for when I get home from work.  I'll get to work at 12:30 and work until 6:00.  Then home to the family for some R&R and dinner.  But not this Monday.  This Monday required that I be at a training class for work at 9:30am.  The class ended at 12:30pm.  From there, I struggled through a back-up in traffic (the result of construction) and arrived at work at 1:15pm.  My schedule was light so I worked on laundry and preparation for a work event that began at 6:00pm and ran until 8:00pm.  The spa I work at has a yearly event for those who have fought breast cancer or are currently waging war on the ugly disease.  We had 25 participants signed up.  The salon had several stations lined up to pamper the ladies - 15 minute facials, 15 minute chair massages, manicures, make-up applications, pink hair extensions and sweet and savory treats - all for their enjoyment.  There was no charge.  It was a gift to them.  Something small to acknowledge their courage.

The ladies began arriving at 5:45 and the event started the promptly at 6:00.  I provided facials to women of all ages and in all stages of their fight.  Some had finished their battle.  Some were losing their hair from the chemo.  Some were in the process of growing their hair back.  Some wore wigs that they took off for the facials.  All were giddy about the services offered and surprisingly, many had never experienced a facial.  We laughed and giggled over their stories and at other times, I choked back tears as they shared their battles. Some were silent and relaxed as I pampered their skin, and hopefully, their soul.  I especially laughed with one when she moaned in pleasure over the "potion" that I'd just applied to her face and I had to laughingly tell her that it was water.  I received hugs from almost all of them when I was finished.  And thank you's.  At the end of the evening, I felt good, renewed, grateful.  I'd met many beautiful women.  Strong women.  Lovely, beautiful souls.

So then, you ask, what is the "ugly truth"?  The truth is, that I got up the next day, grateful for my life and my health.  Energized by the night before.  And what did I do with that realization?  I surfed the net.  I caught up on my very delinquent email and Facebook accounts.  I wrote a blog post about my grandma.  I did not grab life by the horns and go boldly forward.  And I felt guilty about it.  And then I wondered.....

Does every single moment of our life have to be about "something"?  Do we always have to be on point, moving forward, striving for goals?  Or can we just have a moment to sit back and waste time?  Can I catch up on TV shows that I've DVR'd without feeling like I should have done more?  Can rest and mindlessness actually be a part of our day or week or month without ensuing guilt.  In this quest for a better me, do I have the right not to exercise when I have plenty of time to do it?  In the end, will it matter that the housework did not get done?  That the floors are not mopped?  I can do it all tomorrow.  Or the next day.  As long as the work gets done, does there always have to be a timeline?  I don't know.  But it's at the front of my mind today.  And I think it's because I think of those ladies, whose strength and lives were compromised by an ugly disease and the corresponding treatments.  Were they able to just enjoy a day of nothing without guilt for what they could have accomplished?  Did they stare the unknown in the face and decide, that in the end, it was okay to do nothing considered productive in their day?  Or did they feel guilt that with maybe little time left, they hadn't accomplished all they'd set out to do.

I don't want to be busy doing work all of the time or feeling guilt when I'm not doing the work I've imposed on myself.  I want a clean house, a thin body and delicious homemade food on the table - but not at the expense of EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. of my life.  It all works into my need for balance.  For not feeling like I should do more, be more, accomplish more.  When is it enough?  I will continue struggling with this and trying to find the answer.  In the meantime, I'll think I'll go have a glass of Diet Pepsi and watch the episode "Beat Bobby Flay" that is on my DVR.

Have a wonderful, relaxing, balanced day!

Life, Death and Mourning

There are two certainties in life:  new life and death.  Babies are born and we rejoice in them.  Loved ones die and we mourn them.  Many people I know, yearly mourn the deaths of loved ones on the dates of their death.  I, on the other hand, mourn those losses at odd times.  Today I mourn the loss of my grandmother.  I do not remember the exact date of her death.  I remember always that it was the weekend of Thanksgiving.  For the first time in my life, it was not grandma that made Thanksgiving dinner but my aunt who'd always lived with her.  My aunt made all the dishes that grandma was "famous" for.  The turkey (overcooked), the jello salads, the stuffing, potatoes and cabbage salad.  It was at grandma's house and the menu was the same, but she was not there.  I'd gone to see her before dinner at the hospital where she was a patient.  It had been a bad day for her.  She was weak and not feeling well.  I remember crying when I left.  Afraid that she would leave us.  She did leave us a couple of days later.  On a day when she was doing well.  It was the one day I hadn't gone to see her.  There was no warning - no call from the hospital that the time was near.  My father and aunt had been to see her and she was chipper and talkative.  We received a call in the evening that she'd passed.  I was devastated.  I hadn't been there.  It took a while for me to understand, but she went that day because I hadn't gone to see her.  Each time she'd talked about being "ready to go", it had been me to tell her that I wasn't ready for that.  That she couldn't leave me.  I held her back.  I wouldn't let her say good-bye or tell her that it was okay to go.

Today I miss her.  I miss her laugh.  I miss her tapping fingers.  I miss her love, her soft skin and the wrinkles on her face.  Every year I remember her birthday, but not the date of her death.  I remember the birthday celebrations - the picnic at the park that she requested for her birthday celebration.  I remember her lawn chair and her request for simplicity in the birthday dinner menu.  I remember her request that I make her the Almond Joy Cheesecake that she loved for her birthday cake.  I remember how for years she would drive to my house to watch my children while I was at work so my husband could continue to golf on his league.  I remember her love for her family.  I remember her old gold car the size of a tank.  I remember the blond brownies she would make for each of us for our birthdays.  I remember her wanting of nothing - her simple requests for little things.  She was never one who wanted for more.  A better, more loving soul has never walked this earth.

I am happy that I am not a person who mourns those lost on the day of their death. I am glad that I remember their birthdays and celebrate them.  I wish that same ability for everyone.  And I hope that someday, when my time here is done, that people  remember me the way that I remember grandma.  With love and joy and memories of all that was good about me.

I miss you GG.  I always will.